shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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