I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
