I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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