All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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