I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
