There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
