You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My pussy is not your playground.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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