I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
