Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
