I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
