fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
