I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
