I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
