My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
