Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
why do cheetos always look like penises
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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