No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
