Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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