I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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