May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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