Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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