I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
