i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I feel like abortions should bother me more
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
