Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
