do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
