I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
