Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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