I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
