I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
