My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
The air taste purple.
Randomize
