Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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