i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
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