i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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