that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
