im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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