having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
