We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
