dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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