My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
