chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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