I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
