I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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