insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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