90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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