I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
