How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
