The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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