you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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