she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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