Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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