I can tuck mytits in my pants
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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