i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
